My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep