@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
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@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@juliussharpe: Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.
@SamGirlSunday: If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I'd have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
@longwall26: Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world's first clown.