@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I've trapped her in her gran's bedroom with a wolf.
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@MichaelTrying: Top 3 screwdrivers: 1. Tool for turning screws 2. Vodka and orange juice 3. Method of Uber payment
@lisaxy424: When the party host collects everyone's coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
@vodkachops1: Today TO DO list: 1) vacuum huge spider in living room✔️ 2) panic✔️ 3)throw vacuum cleaner outside✔️ 4)buy new spiderless vacuum
@UNTRESOR: [gets on Facebook] [types "you pushed me away but expected me to stay"] [everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]