RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.