@T_Bonezzz: My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world. So i'm gonna drop her off in the desert and leave
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@IamEnidColeslaw: I've matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
@daemonic3: [divorce court] ME: ...and that's why I am seeking full custody JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the "Netflix password"
@NicestHippo: Piracy dates back to the 14th century, when armed criminals boarded ships and viciously watched movies that weren't out yet
@jokeymcjokeface: If your name is Ella and you haven't opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella's, what are you doing with your life?