@trevso_electric: My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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@SadPeruna: Honestly Officer, I do have a few ideas as to why I'd get pulled over, but I'm kind of afraid to tell you. Let's both say it on 1-2-3, ok?
@GiantsofDiving: Does everyone get take 'by mouth' printed on their pills or did the pharmacist look me over and think hmm...this guy might go the other way?
@FrenulumBreve: [15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner] Date: are you crying?