@trevso_electric: My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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@hero_ofthenight: I love that movie about BDSM where the guy is a great kisser & ties up grown men & photographs them for money Spider-Man, I love Spider-Man
@lisaxy424: Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you're wrong they'll think you're joking and if you're right they'll feel dumb.
@AbbeYaar: Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.
@Brianhopecomedy: Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that the accountant works as quickly as possible.