My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
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Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Never let them know your next move 😂
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My Guy
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.