You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
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I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!