I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
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My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Put a ring on it
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
#gardening
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
2022 will be better than 2021
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now