@samalmightysam: My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
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@hennaahmedx: *me in highschool* friend: omg!! I just got into a fight with my boyfriend what do i do :(( me: aw it’s okay just talk it out!! u guys will be fine! It’s true love!! ❤️❤️❤️ *me now* friend: omg! My boyfrie- me: leave him. friend: but it wasn’t even- me: leave. him.
@osoplain: I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
@NurseMurderer: grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa? me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
@pumpkin_horse: *lays down on memory foam mattress* mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade? me: I regret buying you