My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
You Might Also Like
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My dog after a walk in the woods.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor