My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Nothing to do, you say?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.