@clemdytan: My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
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@themorris23: Octopus 1-you up for tennis? Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again Octo1-..we dont have elb Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
@thatUPSdude: I just seen a kid yell at his dad and tell him "No jerk!" I yelled at my dad once when I was 12, then I woke up and I was 16.
@famouscrab: yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
@JohnLyonTweets: Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.