@FattMernandez: My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you? Me: Marriage is complicated. 4: Is it because you’re stupid?
@SassyTexasGal: Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
@XplodingUnicorn: The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.