My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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Spring of Deception
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
spot the difference
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
who will stop them
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”