@FattMernandez: My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
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@TheMichaelRock: No thanks, flu shot. I look forward to three days off from work and returning looking like I was on a diet for six weeks.
@dysalexia: Next time you're on a date and someone asks "Is that your boyfriend or your brother?" smile really creepy and whisper "Both".
@TheTweetOfGod: Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
@LeaMehanna: Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I'll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine