My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
You Might Also Like
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?