@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
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@SteveSuckington: [high school reunion] "Hey aren't u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?" No that was Tyler.
@grammar_c**t: Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
@WilliamAder: Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone's been talking about.