Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
You Might Also Like
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I love twitter
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”