@Underchilde: My girlfriend told me to “tread lightly.” So when I ran over her, I drove really slow.
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@robyn_vo: Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
@audipenny: I noticed that you're still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
@mjkspeaks: [arguing with friend about chemistry] *cop walks up* do we have a problem here? Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
@TitansHomer: I'm the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I'm ok, I'm ok"