Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*