My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
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“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right