My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
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[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh