@causticbob: my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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@onelongbender: Dave is coming over. "Dave Wilson or Dave who thinks he's Spider-Man?" [loud thud on the roof] BACK DOOR IS OPEN, DAVE
@GaryJanetti: I don't know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.
@just1fool: I'm gonna insert "comedian" in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.