Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.