@causticbob: my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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@Sickayduh: "What's that?" - My new boss. He's very deciduous" "Decisive?" - Nope. I carved him from a potted tree. *squirrel peeks out of his mouth*
@BostonFanJosh: Q: What's the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike? A: The place they are aiming at.
@david8hughes: [me narrating a documentary about the pyramids] I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
@prufrockluvsong: Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of: -dogs -cars -storm drains -hotels -the street -writers -little girls -the prom