@causticbob: my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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@tastefactory: I've been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There's a really good article I think he should see
@gmossii: My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
@deadbearrising: Fun Fact: Koala's have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun
@grimpossible: "Hey son, we really love you but we posted a picture of you on Instagram and nobody liked it which is why we're giving you up for adoption."