@causticbob: my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
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@XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: What happens when you die? Me: You go to heaven. 4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
@Jojo_51213: Freedom of expression is great... I can make a kissy face, smiley face or a frowny face, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it
@LeviathanPride: Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
@squirrel74wkgn: [drive-thru at 2am] Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah! Neighbor's mailbox: ...