[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.