My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.