my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.