my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
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My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary