My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
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COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat