My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
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CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.