If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.