McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?