Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Mornin
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
lmao
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.