@Black__Elvis: My girlfriend's father got mad that I proposed to her without asking him first but there's just no way I would ever marry that guy.
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@suntzufuntzu: The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn't mind if you don't click the ads, it just hopes they please you.
@HomeProbably: People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences. It's like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
@sadhatterskwrl: To those folks who retweet my timeline and get my phone buzzing *thank you *I see you *I love you *we married now *it's too late *it's done
@BuckyIsotope: *rolls up to teens on skateboard* Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party? *pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it* dammit