@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
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@NotThatNixon: Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
@TedOfficialPage: Everybody is tweeting "OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH", I'm like tf' you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
@trojansauce: KID: are you sure this will work? ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?
@TommyWallace: Dr: I was going to ask if you were sexually active but- Me [wearing hot dog costume]: but what