@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
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@jonnysun: "it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?" yes i am. … "but i thougt u were gona say something unexp-- oh wow ur good"
@Michael1979: At Christmas, it's important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: I was named after my grandfather. Me: Of course you were, he was born first.
@aka_fatman: Chief: You're the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge! Me: *realising I left both in my son's crib* Uhhhhh....