@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
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@girlnarly: scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers? me: i’ll give it a go scientist: but you were just here yesterday me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
@Bob_Heller: My boss told me: "Dress for the job you want..." so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning's meeting.
@AmishPornStar1: *aliens land in America* Alien Captain: Take me to your leader! Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro...this is kind of embarrassing, but...