@ComedicBust: My girlfriend's furious that I bought her The Golden Girls box set for her birthday, but I knew she'd get over it since she's not real.
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@DothTheDoth: I love how insurance companies offer "accident forgiveness" like they're some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
@loudmouth_usa: Me: Ma'am your pet is loud. Lady: That's my baby. Me: Ma'am your pet baby is loud
@amishschool: Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include "mouth breathing".