Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
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My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Passwords are more important than ever.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
the answer was staring at me all along
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Social Media and Real life
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
the noise i just made