Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
You Might Also Like
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
It’s an epidemic…
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….