My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The old gods are rising again.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this