My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I don鈥檛 want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
You learn something every day
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don鈥檛 be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
No I don鈥檛 want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I鈥檓 bringing down the recycling
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?