@kelkulus: My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone's unattended Facebook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?"
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@matt___nelson: [interrogation] Where were you last night? "Out killing people" Louder for the tape [leans in] "The Cheesecake Factory, that's where I was"
@Brampersandon_: We have great news. We're pregnant! -Awesome! Do u know the sex yet? Of course we know 'the sex'. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
@samfromks: My wife has been helping my neighbor hook up his VCR for 3 hours now. Starting to get suspicious... What kind of monster still has a VCR?
@GetCougarized: I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.