@kelkulus: My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone's unattended Facebook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?"
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@curlycomedy: You're invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won't be any food.
@iwearaonesie: [last night] *gets drunk* *can't remember if I fed the dog* *ends up feeding her 5 times* [tonight] *comes home* dog *hands me a beer*
@itsrealTED: "I need a boyfriend" No, you WANT a boyfriend. You NEED water, cause you sound thirsty.