My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
You Might Also Like
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.