Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
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Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Message from the dog groomers