I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
me refusing to leave twitter
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date