@CYComedy: My goal weight is for it not to look like I'm having a stroke when I yawn.
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@bridger_w: "Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?" -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
@BeardSpice: *walks into bank* THIS IS A ROBBERY *people drop to the floor* JUST KIDDING, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING *lowers guns* A TOMATO IS A FRUIT
@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]
@shariv67: I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.