@CYComedy: My goal weight is for it not to look like I'm having a stroke when I yawn.
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@jordan_stratton: Finally found a house! We couldn't afford it and it wasn't for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
@HonestToddler: Tonight's bedtime story was about three pigs struggling with repeat home invasions. Thanks for the new fear.
@JamColley: two year old comes up to me asking if I've seen a dummy, unaware that she's just set herself up for the most brutal slam of her little life.
@TheCiscoKidder: I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don't want our boogers mixing.