@CYComedy: My goal weight is for it not to look like I'm having a stroke when I yawn.
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@TheCiscoKidder: My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she's too busy judging the hot chick.
@Ygrene: Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm 'Predicting Cat Behavior' is complete! Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
@Sean_Burgundy_: Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine