My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
plums roundup
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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