@CYComedy: My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
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@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
@UncleDuke1969: I've got hoes in different area codes. (I'm very careless with my gardening tools.)
@JazzJazzybc: Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I'm gonna need some bail money on the side.
@ShutUpThatsWho: [first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when