@CYComedy: My goal weight is for my waiter to ask me if I want a salad with my meal without bursting into laughter.
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@peachesanscream: Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I'm giving them for their battles...
@djdarrellripley: Me: I have to go to a funeral. Her: Oh, I'm so sorry. Who died? Me: One of my clients... It's a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.