My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
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people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.