@seandunn76: Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis. Contestant: What is love? *dance party erupts*

@DominicStraw: You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don't get it.

@AbrasiveGhost: INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put "has dominion over bees"? ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

@gregerskine: IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

@huntigula: Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I'll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet