My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
😆this is so true
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
#Caturday
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
A classic…
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
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