My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
pizza
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.