My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.