My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
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[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.