“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Who did it better?
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
are they though??
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.