“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip