“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.