“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
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Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?