“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
You Might Also Like
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Oh. My. God.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
The sacred texts.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.