@KevinSussman: My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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@HairyJew4Life: My girlfriend and I were making out on the sofa. Her: Ok let's take this upstairs. Me: Alright. You lift one end and I'll get the other
@jctwritesstuff: Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
@JesKeepSwimming: I'm sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
@TheMichaelRock: Boss: Why did you call off yesterday? Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.