My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
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Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.