I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
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Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.