Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there