My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
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If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions