@Sassafrantz: My Google search in case someone ever steals my phone
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@TrainedHedonist: What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers." What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."
@SaddleLawman: Blood's thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
@furrrizzle: Dear diary, My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him. Apparently Meth wasn't what he expected. Dating is bull shit
@jwoodham: But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?