@Sassafrantz: My Google search in case someone ever steals my phone
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@jake_likes_naps: [accidentally calls teacher "mom"] MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something. ME: what's for dinner tonight BRAIN: what
@TheToddWilliams: [creation] GOD: Alright guys, please read the sex manuals I've provided RABBIT: Oh hell yeah STUD HORSE: Ah nice PRAYING MANTIS: What the f–
@GrantTanaka: I swear to god I'm not harassing you, I'm really out of shape that's just my labored breathing
@Caissie: My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."