ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.