[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I love it all
when you order from DoorDastardly
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Same post same
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia